Ok first of all.

Being the 30-year-old bachelorette that I am, meant my party was devoid of, shall I say, the trashy traditional ‘murican customs. Exhibit A: Nobody got alcohol poisoning OR puked. Exhibit B: We were all dressed on-trend, classy and all that fugly bachelorette party sh*t (i.e hot pink sashes, lifesavers tee shirts OR anything of a phallic nature) was NON existent.

And while nobody got arrested or went home with a bearded man named Buzz, us mature ladies GOT DOWN. In a cool, swanky, our-feet-hurt-and-we’re-kinda-tired way.

I arrived in Seattle on Friday night just in time to check in the hotel and grab pizza and wine at Pagliacci’s with Nan and sister Megan. We downed our food and promptly passed out at 10:30 PM after watching 15 minutes of Valentines Day on TV (such a stupid movie, if you ask me).

The next day we awoke and after our ritual Starbucks, twas off to Bell Square for some shopping. My poor little Nan has three separate (yet, possibly related) foot/ankle injuries. A bone spur, a painful Morton’s Neuroma (look it up) and an ankle pain which has not yet been diagnosed. After watching her hobble around that morning, it was clear that girlfriend wasn’t going to be able to traipse about the mall, trying to keep up with the likes of Megan in hot pursuit of a J.Crew sale.

So, we went to customer service and procured ourselves a right fine WHEELCHAIR. Nan felt like the biggest fuddy-duddy ever in existence, but Meg and I insisted she sit her butt down and accept the ride.

I pushed her about the mall, stopping to look at danskos and nearly jamming her feet into the back of the elevator, which, because it was glass, everyone saw. HEY! I was a first-timer!

Megan found some treasures at Anthropologie and J.Crew – then it was off to nowhere’s ville USA for my dress fitting. We picked up my sis Rachel and Megan bought me that caramel crunch Frappuccino at the Bux I had been dying to try!

We arrived one hour later at the dress alterations place and wandered around picking out the best and worst of the bunch.

My fitting went great and the dress fits like a glove. Now if only I could grow 3-4 cup sizes between now and July 5th, that’d be great.

After my fitting we went to Red Robin because, of course we did. We had fries and salads and felt healthy, yet indulgent. Rach then led me to the bar where we ordered Kamikazes and the old man next to us thought that was pretty darn funny. Oh, day drinking.

After lunch we made a stop at Nordstrom Rack where I very nearly dropped $140 on a discounted pair of Tory Burch pumps that were srsly made for me. But I was a good girl and remembered the fact that, oh yeah, I’m unemployed :).

We battled traffic back to Bellevue and finally arrived at our hotel around 5:30. Holly, Carey and Jaclyn arrived shortly thereafter and of course the shenanigans sky-rocketed. We sipped drinks of mojito, cosmo, champagne and yes, just straight vodka as we got ready and danced around the hotel room listening to hits of the early 2000’s and smearing makeup all over our mugs.

I opened some prezies and got some seriously beautiful lingerie in addition to silver butterfly pasties c/o Mizz Johnson. I can always count on Rachel to bring da funk.

We slipped into our outfits and quickly realized we were all in black and white because we are SO darn classy.

Then it was off to Palamino to meet up with Bryan’s mom and have a little din-din before hitting the town. Dinner was a BLAST. I consumed an entire pizza, 1 vodka gimlet and 2 vodka sodies.

After dinner, we decided to head over to the Parlor, per a recommendation from our server.

Immediately we found a large booth we could all sink into and order up some white gummy bear shots. If you have not tried this, just do it. I don’t care if you are 47 with 8 kids and two Pomeranians – go out and get yerself one a’these. SO GOOD.

Then we met a tabe of random men-folk and they tried to get us to take these 4 drinks off their hands which the bartender had mistakenly made them. They were fireball + pineapple juice. DRY-HEAVE. God bless Rach though, she took a small sip and proclaimed, “Tastes like apple sauce!”.

We danced. We shouted. Laughed and made random friends in the bathroom. We also went to the Lucky Strike where we danced on the stages and they blast icy air in your face, which really, is genius. I asked a tabe of young gentlemen how old they thought I was and the consensus was 22. 22!?

THEY MADE MY NIGHT. And I told them so.

2:00 came and went. Rachel fell in some bushes and we stumbled back. Meg and I unsuccessfully ordered a pizza and I chomped down on a half-eaten Clif bar in my purse before 3 glasses of water and bed.

The next day we all woke up a little worse for the wear, but nothing a huge breakfast, Gatorade and venti Starbucks couldn’t cure.

We headed into Redmond at 11 am for my second wedding shower at a friend of Bryan’s families house. Her house was GORGEOUS and the food was perfectly delectable. We had 2 kinds of quiche, muffins, fresh fruit and delicious peach fizzy drinks. I got to see so many of my great friends in Seattle and also meet some ladies who are very close to Bryan’s mom.

I opened all my gifts and was blown away at everyone’s generosity. Again, I felt totally undeserving and weird, as I did at my previous shower. I mean, all these people gathered around me, celebrating me, buying stuff for me. Really?! It’s all so fabulous and heart-warming.

The drive home was long and BRUTAL. I stopped for a redbull and it did absolutely nothing for my sagging eyelids. So, I did what your supposed to do in that situation. I pulled over and took a nap. At a gas station. Parked next to a bunch of other cars who saw me sleeping prolly with my mouth wide open and snoring like a banshee. SAFTEY FIRST you guys!

I made it home safely to my man, who is also now done with taking the CFA III. We don’t get the results until early September, but at least his hours of studying each day are OVER and we can focus on being a normal couple again :).

All in all, a successful weekend full of love, vodka and edible bras.

It’s real.