Natalie’s Lament

Any Guys and Dolls fans out there?!

No? Just me?

But first, a warning. I am all over the place in this one, so just bear with me.

Absolutely nobody asked for a life update from me. And in the interest of honesty, I have a sneaking suspicion that this will turn into a bit of a lament. Y’all know I like to keep things light-hearted and focus mainly on the good (makeup, my family, rainbow chip frosting), but my life is FAR from perfect. Especially over the last 2 years. So let’s all just stitch that a mothereffin’ pillow.

One day I am just fine – able to feel grateful for my job and the flexibility it offers me, my incredible partner, our lovely home, the sweet little dog curled up on my lap and of course our two kids. Usually these days coincide with sunny weather, the state of cleanliness around me, how much sleep I have gotten, etc. I guess what I am saying is, the fine feelings are circumstantial.

But the next day, I am feeling depressed. The house is a mess, my job is overwhelming, my hand is breaking out in stress-induced dermatitis and the steroid cream isn’t working, kids are being total grumps, the dog peed in the playroom again. You get the picture.

And then all of the sudden, I cannot breathe. The air goes in just fine, but gets stunted prematurely leaving my lungs feeling dissatisfied, half-filled. This is me lots of days. I breathe again and again, seeking that full, contended feeling. But it’s inconsistent, like a big wave randomly crashing to the shore. And all of the sudden the obliviousness of breathing in and out feels like something I’ve taken for granted, a lost luxury. It sucks. And at least for me, it’s anxiety. And despite the multitude of “helpers” (i.e medication, therapy, self-care, healthy coping strategies) it still manages to take hold.

Marriage. Kids. Family. Work. Home. Friendships.

It is mind-boggling to me, watching how different people handle the balance. Some with grace, an effortless ease. Seemingly flitting about without a care in the world, shifting evolving priorities – cooking dinner AND getting laundry done mid-week. Then there is me – second guessing my every decision (did I reallllly need the $3 handsoaps at BBW when we have a looming June vacation?), microwaving Dino Nuggets for Clara while running my hands through greasy hair just as David marches through the door and reminds me that he has basketball practice tonight. Most nights, by the time I get to sit down, enjoy my candies, TikTok, and m’progrums – it is damn near 9 or 10 pm. Adulting. IS HARD. Parenting too.

OK. Rant over.

Now let’s get to some random sh*t that’s been making me smile.

I MEAN. Of course these girls…

Our diapered chihuahua.

THRIFTING.

Items I want…

ME
Don’t @ Me. I need a Loungefly backpack for our upcoming Disney vacay.
I MEAN.

My anti-SAD fuchsia puffy coat

My people.

My love.

TY for listening.

3 thoughts on “Natalie’s Lament

  1. Whitley says:

    I have been a reader for too many years to count. Your honestly is what keeps me here! I feel like your words from this post are the words off so many mamas hearts. Being a mom is the most rewarding thing in the world, but can be so tough some days too. Anxiety on top of it can feel debilitating at times. You are not alone. Thank you for being so honest with what you experience! Your honestly may open up conversations for others that read your blog. Sending love your way!

    Liked by 1 person

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