Greetings fellow Americans!

Today I bring you MY thoughts and opinions on all things ‘lympics. From gymnastics (obvi), to swimming, judo, women’s basketball and every other sport in between….except skeet shooting…I guess I didn’t watch any skeet shooting…

WOMEN’S GYMNASTICS

Y’all know I’m totally obsessed. My pink ombre sparkly leo for a 6-footer is LITERALLY on order for 2020. The following are the questions I have while I watched them compete:

• Is butt glue used to avoid a large, perpetual wedgie?
• If there is no butt glue in use, how CRAZY do those panties have to be?
• How do you feel knowing that the only thing between 3 million people’s eyes and your crotch, is a thin piece of spandex?
• Is it not a little sad that when they’re done doing doing gymnastics, they will be these eensy tiny people with high voices?
• What if a piece of the glitter from their face or hair falls into their eye right before they hit the vault?
• Have they ever farted while on the balance beam, and lost their balance?

JUDO

Since when was slapping eachother’s hands out of the way and grabbing for one another’s baggy jackets a sport? To me, Judo looks like two chicks fighting over the same Burberry trench for 75% off at the Nordstrom Half-Yearly.

WOMEN’S BEACH VOLLEYBALL

Soft porn.

MEN’S INDOOR VOLLEYBALL

SRSLY just cover yer vital organs. If I was a men’s volleyball player and I was in the back row, I would literally get into the fetal position with one arm dangling out and just hope to GOD the ball didn’t puncture a lung. It is insane how hard they smack that ball and it is also nice that many of the USA men’s team is good-looking ;).

MEN’S SWIMMING

I noticed a pretty big discrepancy in the bodies of these male swimmers. Most are ripped, like Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte (or the world’s stupidest man) but others are not. And a few actually had little guts! I was allllll about the guys with the tummies. I felt that they were the Rudy’s. The underdogs. The little tummies engines that could!

WOMEN’S SWIMMING

I would not participate in this sport for two reasons, and two reasons alone:

1. swimming caps
2. the knee-length swimming suits

Not even Giselle would look cute in those get-ups and in my experience with sports, the better you look, the better you perform. I am sure the way they cut those suits to come in on the sides of the chest and expose SO much of those crazy latissimus dorsi muscles is for aero-dynamic reasons but LAW, is it fug. NO can do amigo.

I must say these gals make it look FIERCE THO…

#swimpits

WOMEN’S RUGBY

I feel like each and every women’s rugby player had to successfully complete the following rigorous training: 7 years of roller derby, wearing 2 sports bras during 5 of those years, drinking Spicy V-8 every morning and NEVER getting to wear your hair down ever. Also, for whatever reason…I feel like I would be okay at women’s rugby? yes? im kinda scrappy.

What are your thoughts about the olympics!?