What ABC Family Has Taught Me

Sooo….CONFESSION.

I’m kindof a middle schooler.

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Actual middle-schooler.

Nothing crazy like butterfly clips or Malibu Musk, but let’s call a spade a spade. Sister Megan will attest to my never ending urge to match my eye shadow to my outfit and carry multiple roller-ball lip glosses. Also, I’m a self-proclaimed Disney fanatic. Not just for my homegirls, Ariel, Belle, Aurora and Jasmine neither. I like it ALL. HSM1,2 AND 3, Zenon Girl of the 21st Century, Pixar and the Mr. Toad ride at Disneyland.

I enjoy cotton candy, Gushers, cheddar bunnies and lots of other foods which are marketed and largely consumed by children. I still find “The Witches” by Roald Dahl to be one of the scariest books, as well as movie for that matter, of all time.

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OMG SO SCARY.

Punky Brewster is still the coolest.

The Barbie aisle at Target calms my nerves.

I think you get the gist. A kid at heart doesn’t begin to cover it.

When I discovered ABC Family I knew it was kismet. A channel highly devoted to harmless sitcoms (which are basically obsolete thanks to reality TV, Showtime and HBO) where the sun is always shining and problems are solved in 45 minutes or less. Since I was the biggest TGIF Fangirl of all time, ABC Family has become my new home. Like a loyal friend you can always count on.

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The favorites include:

  • Pretty Little Liars
  • Greek
  • Make it or Break It
  • Bunheads

I am shuddering as I make this list, because I am well aware of the ridicule I will inevitably receive from friends and family for admitting to watching these shows. Let it be noted I also enjoy such racy and provocative programs as Orange is the New Black, So, you get it. I’m just well-rounded.

So, in no certain order, here is what I have learned from ABC Family:

Lesson No. 1

No matter what happens, you ALWAYS have time to do your hair and makeup. 

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Pretty-Little-Liars-Update-900-600-486x326I learned this lesson from my girls Spencer, Hannah, Aria and Emily. These girls stay up until the wee hours of the morning, running through the forests of Rosewood (where it is always misty) in their haute couture whilst “A” tries to run them over in a car. But the next day at school, they are the picture of perfection. Full faces of makeup, trendy outfits and time to grab coffees before class #yaright.

Lesson No. 2

Being in a fraternity/sorority basically guarantees popularity, status and perpetual partying. 

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Since my fiance was in a fraternity, I have had the great pleasure of grilling him about each and everything I see and hear on the show Greek.  “BRY! Did you have a secret handshake/password/ritual?”. I have also learned that if you pledge Kappa Tau, the “actives” will make you go to class wearing women’s clothing during “hell week”. If you’re a Zeta Beta Zeta (or ZBZ) you may want to be elected “social chair” so you can be in charge of “mixers”.

Lesson No. 3

You can overcome a broken back, open heart surgery and extreme weight loss/gain and make it to the Olympics.

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Among many things, Make it or Break it shows us that anything is possible. Payson thinks she has to end her career due to a debilitating back injury – but due to a break though medical procedure 1 episode later, she is patched up and on the Olympic path once again. Lauren and Kaylie prove that having heart surgery and a serious bout of anorexia aint no thang. The gals make the Olympic team and sadly, the show ended there.

Lesson No. 4

Just because you’re a Vegas Show Girl doesn’t mean you won’t wind up teaching ballet to a bunch of tweens in a sleepy seaside town. 

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This show begs us to keep our dreams alive! Or maybe they all do that…Our heroine Michelle (played by Broadway star Sutton Foster) spits rapid fire dialogue reminiscent of the oldie-but-goodie, Gilmore Girls. So I guess I also learned to stay sassy too.

Lesson No. 5

When in doubt – furrow your brow, tuck your hair behind your ears and softly proclaim “I just need some time…”.

The culmination of lessons learned from each and every show on ABC family has taught us all the importance of speaking softly, taking slow walks with our hands in our pockets and looking out into the distance from a window-seat.

Or was that Felicity?

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Either way, let us applaud the PG-13 dialogue and no-name actors. Les us bask in the sappy one-liners.

Let’s hear it for ABC Family.

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